Helping Enrollment

April 28th, 2009  |  Published in etc  |  1 Comment

A coworker asked me what I’d tell a room full of fifteen-year-old students at a career day event. Freed of the constraints of IM:

One thing you might not be aware of is the government’s secret anti-aging program. It’s only available to people who get four-year degrees in most disciplines (except accounting and those phony interdisciplinary “degrees” they give people who won’t stick to a major for more than a semester).

There are several advantages to this program:

First, you won’t ever die. When adults say to you, “you kids don’t think you’ll ever die,” you think “I do TOO know I’m gonna die!” but you secretly think it’s a shame that you have to. Well … now you don’t have to.

Second, not dying will cause some complications from jealous neighbors and accounting majors. The government is ready to help with that by providing identity and relocation services. When you get your drugs, you’ll also get vouchers for one new identity every twenty years. That solves two problems: You can ditch all the people who are getting sick and dying all around you, and you can also ditch all your credit cards. The government just pawns them off on accountants and then blames identity thieves.

Third, you’ll get first consideration for seats on The Ark. I can’t really talk about that, but I’ve seen it and it’s neat. You’ll get a full briefing at career day just before college graduation.

One warning: The program has enemies and we mustn’t talk about it with ANYONE. Not even each other. If you talk about it, the government will find out and you won’t get the drugs. Instead, you’ll watch the person to your left and the person to your right never get old or sick, then one day they’ll just disappear, their houses will mysteriously burn down and you’ll become the victim of identity theft. Think about it.


  1. gl. says:

    May 3rd, 2009 at 12:43 am (#)

    i love this! even though i don’t think you would actually say it to ben’s class because you couldn’t bear mortally embarrassing him. ;)

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