I’m trying SO. HARD.

September 18th, 2006  |  Published in etc  |  4 Comments

Things You Don’t Know, Can’t Know and Don’t Want to Know – New York Times: “If you thought you were being nutritionally virtuous by stopping at Starbucks instead of McDonald’s, the Center for Science in the Public Interest says ‘Wrong!'”

The pent up energy I didn’t spend IMing someone I know from the airport:

Me: free wifi at pdx lol!11!

Friend:

Or blogging from the airport:

I’m at pdx sitting at the gate for my flight thinking about how open source software isn’t so much like trees and rivers as it is Las Vegas buffets and maybe ATMs that offer several languages but have frustratingly misaligned onscreen button guides for the hardware buttons …

Or kvetching about the terrible wi-fi here at the Newark Liberty Airport Ramada Inn:

THEY JUST DON’T GET IT!

will evidently have to be poured into this one observation:

If you thought you were being nutritionally virtuous by stopping at Starbucks instead of McDonald’s, I have no idea what bad outcome you’re going to get, but I have no doubt whatsoever that you deserve it.

Pleasant flight, I guess. If you take the window seat, you’ll have to deal with the guy in the middle (justifiably) owning your armrest and possibly getting a seat reclined to within 3 inches of your nose, plus repeated climbing around to get to the bathroom. If you go middle, then you sit bolt upright hoping one of the people on either side will give up an armrest.

If you take the aisle, which I did, you mainly just suffer from what I’ve taken to calling “getting assed” a lot. I got assed by a lady with a hyperactive bladder many, many times today. I got assed by people who are so defiant about the unavoidability of having to ass everyone in aisle seats that they seem to put a little english on their ass just to make sure you know they were just there. I got assed by someone who was standing in the post-meal potty line and didn’t realize he was assing me in morse code because he was too busy hopping from one foot to the next trying to jiggle off his urge.

And I got assed by someone who needed to vent a little steam as she waited for her turn. Is there any state more abject than being relieved that the carefully controlled and silent out-gassing of someone who ate the in-flight breakfast pita pouch is helping to drive away the reek of an over-gelled metrosexual dude’s attempt to mask his hangover with three extra splashes of Calvin Klein Escape?

I took getting assed in a reasonably mellow and equanimous mood except when The Meanest Flight Attendant Ever assed me just as I was trying to negotiate a tough spot in Super Mario Bros. DS causing my poor little avatar to be smashed by a big spiked ball. It felt like she was actually sort of projecting a little force beyond the unfortunate and unavoidable assing we get for living in air travel’s current period of inefficiencies and cattle-car profiteering … she was trying to sort of knock me back into my zone, where I happily would have been if the dude in the middle seat and I hadn’t already given each other sweat spots on our upper arms and hips. I was really just trying to let my sleeve dry out a little.

Tomorrow I’m headed into The City for the show, then up to Darien for the next two nights.

Responses

  1. Ed Heil says:

    September 18th, 2006 at 6:35 pm (#)

    “I got assed by people who are so defiant about the unavoidability of having to ass everyone in aisle seats that they seem to put a little english on their ass just to make sure you know they were just there. “

    Was I that obvious? Damn.

  2. pk says:

    September 18th, 2006 at 7:16 pm (#)

    You got gas-assed! Air-BORNE!

    The whole “assed” thing. I was pounding my leg and weeping.

  3. Michael says:

    September 18th, 2006 at 10:53 pm (#)

    Wow, ya. assing sucks. I admit it, I’m a crotch guy. I feel like if I’m bending over them it at least gives the illusion I’m trying to you know… make the situation more comfortable.

    I really try to shoot for window exit. If that’s taken, then one row up from window exit seat, because you can feel completly justified in reclining that bad boy all the way back to a sleeping position.

    By the way, I really LOVE these text boxes! What a fantastic shade of green and the extra little inner shadow effect is rockin’.

  4. Kevin Reichard says:

    September 20th, 2006 at 4:38 am (#)

    Jupiter didn’t put you up in first? Cheap bastards.

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